I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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