You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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