I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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