Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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