thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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