It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
