I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
