i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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