Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
