Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
