How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
