He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
