I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
