im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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