if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
