I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
