Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize