I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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