Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
