I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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