I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
