Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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