I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This baby is an asshole
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.