Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine