Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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