I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.