I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
