I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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