I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
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He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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