no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
