And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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