we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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