My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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