who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
