I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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