I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
