I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
