what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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