Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
