but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
