please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
