you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
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It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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