Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
