I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
