found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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