Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
