He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
