I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
