I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
