I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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