you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
