I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
