Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
