You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize