We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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