i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
