so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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