Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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