So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
