At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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