Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
