We won't sleep together?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
