I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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