Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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