last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
