That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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